It’s not entirely clear to me when I decided I wouldn’t write any more restaurant reviews. I was at Tickets in Barcelona this summer and got seated beside the same girl  who had sat beside me the night before at Tapac 24. She explained with much enthusiasm what “everybody was saying we had to try”, took notes and pictures of her meal and generally showered me with her culinary knowledge. I won’t say I had an epiphany then but, in retrospect, the fear that people might not be able to distinguish between the two of us definitely helped me decide to stop writing. I started this site almost five years ago partly as a writing project, partly because at the time there wasn’t much in the way of independent restaurant reviews online, partly because I like to eat and partly because of potential tax advantages which have long since been proven illusory. All good things (and most average ones) must come to an end, but before I go, a few thoughts on this whole restaurant reviewing thing.

REVIEWS ARE BORING

A restaurant review doesn’t hold too many plot twists–nobody kills Colonel Mustard with a candlestick after the apps and when dessert is wheeled out nobody jumps out of the cake (though the latter idea might have some legs to it). After writing more than a hundred reviews over the course of the past five years, I feel fully exhausted by the genre. It really is paint-by-numbers writing–a point which was recently driven home by a step-by-step guide to restaurant reviews I found through Twitter. While the content of the site never became what I hoped it would  (in large part because the writing is largely revision free), there are a few reviews I wrote I thought were quite good. After toiling away on this site I  have a lot more respect for people who review restaurants for a living and consistently make them interesting (there aren’t many of you).

MOST RESTAURANTS ARE AVERAGE

Part of the reason that writing reviews is not terribly interesting is because most restaurants are average. A very large proportion of restaurants fall into a broad band of ordinariness with a small proportion standing out as really bad and an even smaller proportion standing out as really good. Most dishes at most restaurants are average and it’s not always easy to put lipstick on a pig or to come up with a great description of the non-descript.

IT’S SUBJECTIVE…BUT IT ALSO ISN’T

I often remind people that eating in restaurants is subjective. If I go to a restaurant on a Tuesday and you go to the same place on Friday, there are so many variables in play that our experiences are likely to not have much in common.  Maybe I get a bad waiter and you get a good one. Maybe the restaurant is empty when I go and full when you go. If there are thirty or so menu items what is the likelihood we eat the same thing?And even if we do, it is an entirely different plate, often made by a different person, with different ingredients. One of the most grating things over the years has been dealing with people who write to say things like, “the risotto was not salty”. Unless you were able to sneak a bite out of my plate, honestly… you don’t know. At the same time, there are a few right ways and many wrong ways to do almost anything, and this is especially true in the world of cooking. A lot of people hide behind subjectivity when they just don’t know what they’re talking about. Overcooked is overcooked. Underseasoned is underseasoned. It’s not debatable.

A GREAT CHEF DOES SOMETHING WITH NOTHING

This has always been my gripe with the people who put Au Pied de Cochon on an altar. Is the food tasty? Sure, usually it’s pretty good, but if I covered a Q-Tip in foie gras and wrapped it in bacon that might taste pretty good too. The best chefs in the world don’t need foie gras or truffles to get a rise out of you. They do it with a plate of carrots. That is true genius–and it is very rare.

VALUE MATTERS

I like value for money and I think most people, regardless of income, feel the same way. I have paid as much as $1,000 for dinner for two and not had a regret but have fumed at a $60 bill. In evaluating restaurants, we might like to say that only the food is judged, but  at $200 per person any mistake is a big one while at $50 per person the same fault might very well get swept under the table. Value is the most overlooked factor in understanding why people respond well or poorly to restaurants that are (see above) mostly average.

LEARNING TO EAT

Food is an interesting subject because most people already consider themselves experts.The truth is that 90% of people are unable to describe the sensations they experience while eating and are almost solely stimulated by fat and sugar. The biggest thing I learned from writing all those reviews was to really focus on what I ate and the most valuable thing I am taking away is a much more developed palate. You would be amazed at how your appreciation of food evolves over time when you start actively thinking about everything you put in your mouth.

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